Bring it in for a second.

It's easy for me to write and be silly on here.  It's easy for me to make everything look like a picnic.  It's easy for me to skip of a day of writing when stuff isn't perfect or when I'm exhausted.  But I'm not going to do that today.

My friend Greg asked me to write about community today.

Community.

The interesting part is, I'm pretty much the worst person to write about community.  I'm the girl who comes home every day and triple locks her door, puts on her pajamas at 6:30pm, and would sooner go hungry than go out to buy food even if the pantry is empty.  I'm the girl that dreads the phrase "This will be a group project."

And I revel in that... until I don't.

Tonight, I don't.  Tonight, I'm lonely.  Tonight, I've waited one night too long to be in community.  I can always tell when I have.  I get so tired, so lonely, so achey when that happens.  Don't get me wrong, I'm normally the introvert who needs the alone time, but I think there's also something in us that needs community - true community.

It's not about being with people, because I can do that and still be entirely alone.  It's about being known.  It's about sharing.  It's about being open.

How scary is that?

I've heard the result is beautiful.  I can't confirm that for you, as I don't do it regularly enough to tell, but that's the rumor.


What do you think?

Blimey Cow photo-a-day 12. Foodie - You know, I'm not really even sure what this means, but I look at it and I read "cute, small food."  Unfortunately, I read this after I'd already eaten, so I took a picture of the cute, small bowl from which I ate my dinner.


















Now, I'm going to finish listening to this Francis Chan sermon, and I'm going to bed early.  I'm too tired to stay up late tonight.

Crazy Love: Dear Chris Brown

"I think sometimes we assume that if we are nice, people will know that we are Christians and want to know more about Jesus.  But it really doesn't work that way.  I know a lot of people who don't know Christ and are really nice people - nicer and more fun to be with, in fact, than a lot of Christians I know.

"There has to be more to our faith than friendliness, politeness, and even kindness.  Jesus teaches in Luke's gospel:

If you love those who love you, what credit is that to you?  Even "sinners" love those who love them.  And if you lend to those from whom you expect repayment, what credit is that to you?  Even "sinners" lend to "sinners," expecting to be repaid in full.  But love your enemies, do good to them, and lend to them without expecting to get anything back.  Then your reward will be great, and you will be sons of the Most High, because he is kind to the ungrateful and wicked.  Be merciful, just as your Father is merciful.

                                 -Luke 6:32-36 

"True faith is loving a person after he has hurt you.  True love makes you stand out."

                                                     -From Francis Chan's Crazy Love 

Chan continues on in the book to reference the horrible incident that happened just outside Lancaster, PA in October of 2006 and the amazing response of the Amish community, especially the families of the girls who had been murdered.  My family has spent a lot of time in Lancaster, most likely in contact with those very same families.  Perhaps that's why this event struck such a chord with me.

2007 in Lancaster, PA

I remember that day vividly for many reasons that have nothing to do with this blog post, but, for some reason, I always manage to forget the resolution I made to myself to strive after a forgiving faith like was shown by those families.  This week, I outdid myself in my forgetfulness.

You see, this week, Chris Brown reappeared at the Grammys.  The only opinion that I'm going to link you to about that is attached to the title of this post, because I think that his is the only balanced, G-d-like opinion that I've read so far.  But that didn't stop me from linking a VERY different opinion to my Facebook page (don't look for it; I've since taken it down).

I was hurt that this had happened, that no one seemed to care (still) what he had done, that no one felt it necessary to stand up for the rights of the abused, that no one felt it necessary to really see him PAY.  I'm not talking about a mamby-pamby little pay, here.  I mean, PAY.  I wanted tears and sweat and begging.

I wonder if G-d has ever wanted that from me...

After reading this small section entitled "Lovers" in Chapter Eight of Crazy Love, I knew what had to be done.  I had publicly flaunted my unforgiving heart, and I publicly needed to make amends.  The following is a letter that will be making its way to Mr. Brown's manager, who will probably hand it off to an intern, who will probably roll their eyes and throw it away (hate to burst your bubble), but I'm at least going to do my part in this process.

Do me a favor, friends, and try not to say anything you're going to feel a need to eat tomorrow.  Okay?

Crazy Love: Brother

"Dare to imagine what it would mean for you to take the words of Jesus seriously.  Dare to think about your own children living in poverty, without enough to eat.  Dare to believe that those really are your brothers and sisters in need."

                                      From Francis Chan's Crazy Love 

"Sell your possessions and give to the poor."  -Luke 12:33

"Whoever does God's will is my brother and sister and mother." -Mark 3:35

If I truly thought of these people as my brother, my precious brother, my mind would be made up before I even knew the extent of the situation.  I wouldn't look at my bank balance.  I wouldn't check the calendar against my next payday.  

I would empty my entire bank account and sell everything I owned to get him what he needed.

Without thinking.

Without debating.

Without hesitation.

"But he wanted to justify himself, so he asked Jesus, 'And who is my neighbor?'..." -Luke 10:29

Crazy Love: Jungle

"When Jeremiah voices his hesitation and fear, G-d - the G-d of the galaxies - reaches out and touches his mouth.  It's a gentle and affectionate gesture, something a loving parent would do. Through this illustration I realized that I don't have to worry about not meeting His expectations.  G-d will ensure my success in accordance with His plan, not mine.

"This is the G-d we serve, the G-d who knew us before He made us.  The G-d who promises to remain with us and rescue us.  The God who loves us and longs for us to love Him back."

                                             From Crazy Love, by Francis Chan 

I feel like I'm finally coming awake after a long hibernation.  I'm learning this idea that G-d desires to be close to me, just as much as (and more than) I want to be close to Him.  I feel like I knew this in my brain, but I'm just now starting to learn it in my heart.  It's a very cool thing.  I'm not used to feeling wanted.

It's already changed the entire timbre of our relationship.  I'm not feeling like I'm chasing after a G-d who's marking out a path, ambivalent to the fact that His steps are so much bigger than mine.  Rather, it's much more like Michelangelo's painting on the ceiling of the sistine chapel, with G-d stretching so far to reach me.

If you follow that painting to the moments after what is depicted, you'll see G-d, finally deciding it's so much easier to reach us if He topples off His cloud and comes some place lower - like when you're trying to reach something under the couch while you're still on it; it's so much easier just to roll off and reach under the couch for it.

Here's another example: It's like when I was in Thailand, hiking to find the Rafflesia Flower.  I was keeping right up with Teak, our guide, at first, even thought the path was quite hard.  But my blood sugar quickly crashed from exhaustion and the unexpected exertion.  I honestly wondered if I would be making it off the mountain.  But Teak did not leave me sitting there, nor did he keep his fast pace, letting me fall further and further behind.

Instead, he took my bag (read "burden," in case you're not good at analogies) from me and slowed to match my pace, letting me lean against him, balance against his shoulder, use him for support, and even went so far as to desperately beg me to let him carry me over the most dangerous parts of the hike.  When I refused, he went ahead of me, positioning himself at the bottom of the steep, muddy slope, between its base and the sheer drop-off at the edge of the path, so that if I slipped, it would be him who toppled over the edge, not me.

This is what G-d is like.  I've been straining my eyes, trying to see Him somewhere far ahead of me, unable to see Him, because he was standing next to me, hands halfway raised, ready to grab me when I slipped.

And it's not that we're discovering this path together, because G-d, like Teak, knows this path like the back of His hand.  He spends as much time as He can deep in this jungle, because yes, it is dangerous, but it is here that true beauty is found.  His people are pushed beyond what they thought were their limits, they discover what they're made of, and He begins refining it.  He knows all this going into it.  He knows each and every dangerous moment of the hike before we ever leave the starting point.  He knows each branch-off and how to find the rare, hidden beauties that can only be found in this jungle.  He knows where to take a few steps ahead of us, so He can position Himself between us and the mud ramp into the abyss.  He deliberately brings us onto the path for which we are totally unprepared, because He wants us to better understand ourselves, Him, and the wonder of everything around us.

Stop straining to see Him somewhere far ahead, and start figuring out what it is that is propping you up in your weakness, because, right there underneath your weary, weary arm is the hand of G-d Himself.

I'd like to introduce you to

Abel.

Abel is the latest addition to my "family."  I wrote in my last post about how my mindset is changing.  I want to elaborate more on that.  I was doing some prayer, prompted by my reading of Francis Chan's Crazy Love, asking G-d to help me vote for the man He thinks is the best leader of America.  That particular prayer actually has very little to do with anything Chan has to say, but bear with me.  But that's okay, because G-d's answer has very little to do with my prayer.  The immediate response I got back was:

"I think abortion should be stopped."

This definitely caught me off guard, because, until 3.5 hours ago, that was not my opinion.  So, I started praying some more, and fell asleep, but, when I woke up, I was overcome with the notion of how a sacrifice isn't really a sacrifice if you're not sacrificing.

So I started thinking about that, and I realized that my income has increased considerably, but my giving has not.  My immediate response was that I needed to sponsor another Compassion child.  As soon as I got home, I popped on Compassion's website, and began scrolling through the first page of kids, overwhelmed, and, once again all but in tears attempting to decide which one.  Who is it that actually is going to get their needs cared for?  Oh, how well the devil knows me.  He knows that that tiny whisper is almost always enough to chase me away from that page.  And it almost did tonight, too.

At the bottom of the page was Abel.  He was the only kid on that page to be denoted as a child who had been waiting for over six months for a sponsor (193 days, to be exact) - indication 1.  He lives in Peru and speaks Spanish - indication 2.  I all but threw up and burst into tears when I scrolled on to the next page - indication 3.

I threw on the brakes and turned the car around.  Abel's wait was over.

It didn't occur to me until half an hour ago how truly fitting this sponsorship is.  Abel.  Abel is the child I'm choosing to sponsor as an act of sacrifice to G-d.  Abel is the child whose name alone will keep me reflecting on the act of dying to self.  Abel is the child who is named after a man who did what was right in the eyes of the L-RD, even at the cost of his own life.  Abel is the child who will inspire me, simply by having his own name, to draw back to G-d.

G-d works in the most mysterious ways.  Praise be to G-d.

Crazy Love: Reality Check

"Whether we admit it or not, every one of us has offended G-d at some point.  Jesus affirmed this when He said, 'No one is good - except G-d alone' (Luke 18:19)

"So why does G-d still love us, despite us?  I do not have an answer to this question.  But I do know that if G-d's mercy didn't exist, there would be no hope  No matter how good we tried to be, we would be punished because of our sins.

"Many people look at their lives and weigh their sins against their good deeds.  But Isaish 64:6 says, 'All our righteous acts are like filthy rags.'  Our good deeds can never outweigh our sins.

"The literal interpretation of 'filthy rags' in this verse is 'menstrual garments' (think used tampons... and if you're disgusted by that idea, you get Isaiah's point).  It's hard to imagine something more disgusting that we could brag about or put on display.  But compared to G-d's perfect holiness, that's how our good deeds appear.

"G-d's mercy is a free, yet costly, gift.  It cannot be earned.  Our righteous acts, just like menstrual garments, certainly don't help us deserve it.  The wages of sin will always be death.  But because of G-d's mercy, sin is paid for through the death of Jesus Christ, instead of the death of you and me.

"The very face that a holy, eternal, all-knowing, all-powerful, merciful, fair, and just G-d loves you and me is nothing short of astonishing." 

                                                           From Crazy Love, by Francis Chan 

I know, that's a vastly long quote to start this off, but it's only a fraction of what I read from this book today.  I spent a lot of time on trains and subways today, so I got a had a lot of spare time for it.  Mercifully, I tend not to get motion sick when I don't have a window seat.  If you haven't been keeping up with my blog, it probably won't occur to you why this passage stuck out to me so much, so you should probably read this post before moving forward. 

Now that everyone's working from the same page, let's talk about this long quote.  I'd had a hard time imagining good deeds as dirty rags before, no matter the illustration.  I'd always looked at it and said, "But how could anything good be like dirt?  Yes, it's not as good as G-d, but shouldn't it still fall under the realm of goodness?"  But, somehow, Mr. Chan made it click for me.  I think it was that a few pages before the one that features this section, he had been writing about pride.  Having those two so close together made something click into place in my brain.  But I knew it wasn't the full thing that needed to click.  I felt like I was on the tip of the iceberg, so I looked around the subway, and my eyes landed on the red, plastic handholds that were hanging from the ceiling.  Watching them sway with the movement of the subway made it easy for me to imagine them as used tampons, as Chan suggested I do.  As I watched, I began to understand the magnitude of my pride.

These things that I do or have done, they're nothing compared to the goodness of G-d, and they're still performed by a flawed human being.  They're tainted by things like my pride and ulterior motives.  I am a sinner, and, as such, my actions will always be less than what was originally planned.

BUT

Jesus loves me anyway.

Let me type out the rest of what Chan says about Christ's love:

"The wildest part is that Jesus doesn't have to love us.  His being is utterly complete and perfect, apart from humanity.  He doesn't need me or you.  Yet He wants us, chooses us, even considers us His inheritance (Eph. 1:18).  The greatest knowledge we can ever have is knowing G-d treasures us.

"That really is amazing beyond description.  The holy Creator sees you as His "glorious inheritance."

For a girl that really hasn't ever felt beautiful in her life, this being wanted idea is a big deal.  Nothing I do is going to earn me that place with Him (think about it - the best we end up giving are these "dirty rags"), but it's not something to be earned, anyway.  He wants to be with me just as badly as I want to be with Him.  That's a big deal.

So, I'm thinking that while all of you are out, eating  chocolate and buying flowers on Tuesday, I'm going to be have a date with the One Man who has always pursued me, always wanted me, and always loved me.  Yes, I know I'm sounding über cliché right now, but - you know what? - I DON'T CARE.  This has been very, very much needed.

I'm hoping that you're reading the joy into this that I'm feeling.  This is not a down on myself post.  This is a post about a mindset that's changing.

Lots of love to you all.