Today, I had my monthly Skype call with my cousin Becky. While we were talking, she said she kept turning green in her picture. I determined that, clearly, this was a sign that aliens were coming to her town, and she needed to make her aluminum foil hat. She should trap one in a closet and cut its hand off. But then I remembered that that usually results in the alien stealing the knife and using it against you, so maybe she shouldn't do that. She then countered that G-d created the aliens, so we shouldn't kill them. I ruled her argument invalid, since she eats meat, but we decided to consult my closest Catholic friend anyway, to attempt to get the expert opinion (AKA: the Pope's). The following conversation ensued.
Me: important question:
Me: do Catholics believe in aliens?
Andy: up to debate
Andy: church doesn't comment on that
Andy: though some people say that the vatican has classified files
Andy: so if we do find other life
Andy: we will know what to say
Me: What does the pope say?
Andy: pope doesnt speculate on it
Me: Did Jesus die for the aliens, too?
Andy: alien Jesus did
Me: wait wait wait
Me: G-d had another son?
Me: So, Jesus was reborn of alien Mary?
Me: THAT'S WHY HE HAD TO ASCEND INTO HEAVEN!
Me: HE HAD TO GO BE REBORN OF ALIEN MARY
Andy: this is why we are friends
Me: New important question:
Me: How many alien Marys and alien Jesii are there?
Andy: as many as there need to be
Me: okay... so the blue ones, the green ones, and the purple ones.
Me: So, moral of the story: we should not kill aliens?
Me: My cousin is about to be attacked by them
Me: we had to formulate her plan
Me: We have concluded that she should just let them kill her.
Me: I then proposed that they may not kill her
Me: and she said she would release her spirit like Jesus did.
Me: Is this a pope-acceptable plan?
Andy: probably not, but i do not speak for the pope... ask him
Me: you're the one with his phone number.
Andy: 1 800 cool hat
Me: that makes sense
Me: since G-d's number is 1-800-call-g0d
I have very patient friends.
Please note, that the only thing missing from my communication with Andy today was our sign-off. Where you join the conversation is where he did.
Try out Skype for yourself.